Woe Is Me

Yeah, so, fair warning. This blog is full of my complaints, self pity, and worries. If you're interested in keeping alive your belief that the great Epona is tough as nails, skip this post and carry on your merry little way.

That goes for those of you who can't be arsed to read such things as well. No one's forcing you to read it, I promise!

Now, anyone who knows me online knows I stay pretty upbeat. I spend a lot of time talking with other people who have problems or are having problems. I have a unique perspective on things and I've been there, done that when it comes to a lot of other things.

So I'm pretty capable of helping people out. And I do it quite often. I solve problems, soothe issues, lift spirits, make someone smile. That's what I do. I like it. I'm good at it.

But sometimes . . . just sometimes, I wish the roles were reversed.

If you keep up with me, and surely you do, or else why would you bother to read this crazy blog, then you know my grandfather passed away. I was close with my grandfather, closer than I knew, I think. I won't be able to attend the funeral, which bothers me, but with a budget as tight as ours, there's just no way in heck we could afford to go to California. It's not even an option.

So that's got me a bit down and out, I admit.

Now add on my worries. The main one is winter. I'm afraid of winter, deathly afraid. Not only is it COLD which I really can't stand, but this drought. This drought has made finding hay impossible and expensive. It's frightening. If you can't afford to buy a truckload, then you can't get hay. I have no where to store more than about 15-20 bales of hay. I've never had to worry about that before, I only have my little herd and a few ponies. And we used to have plenty of grass.

Now we have dust. Dust and no hay and feed prices are rising as well. Horses are being given away left and right in our area, or left in their fields to starve to death. I'll put a bullet in my horses' heads before I even come close to allowing that. But all the same, it scares me. Spyder won't be here, he'll be at my friend's. Is it "right" to ask them to take on another horse when winter is going to be so hard hay-wise? It makes me uncomfortable. Jetta, Jetta is easy, she gets fat looking at food. Apple was easy last winter, they were on low quality hay because I thought they were both FAT and they were doing well. Until she had her colt, she was in great weight. Now she's just not finally coming back from it and I'm afraid she'll be hard to keep up this winter. I pray she goes back to be an "easy keeper."

Winter scares me.

And I'm upset over some things. I put a lot of effort into certain things online. I give everything I have, because I'm dedicated and I enjoy it. It's one of my "escapes" where I feel comfortable, among friends, happy.

And lately I've really "needed" that escape. Only to sit there and realize, without me driving the whole thing, no one can be arsed to do anything. When I need my escape the most, no one can be bothered to help me. And it was a huge disappointment for me. I feel like walking away and saying "screw it" because if I put all this time and effort into it, what's it for?

But I know better. It's just been a slow week I suppose. It'll pick up, even if I have to shake off my own pathetic feelings and drive it myself again. Because that's what I do. And the next time someone comes to me needing my help, I'll sit back, open another soda, and help them along their way.

Because that's what I do.